I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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