Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
