I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
