i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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