Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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