My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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