Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
