Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
