she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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