i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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