My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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