Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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