u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
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Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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