saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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