somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
