Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize