Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
