So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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