y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You are a genius and a whore.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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