She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
