My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
