dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
