remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
