why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
