I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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