I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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