we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
