Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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