I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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