FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
