totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
