Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.