okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
