So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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