Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize