good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
