I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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