She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
