The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
