Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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