That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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