My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
