I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
