Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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