did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
