Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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