It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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