I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
