is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
