i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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