Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
