she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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