i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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