do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
