Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.đź’¨
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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