if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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