really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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