so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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