i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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