last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
